I Left Delhi Mentally Before I Could Leave Physically

I never thought there would come a day when I would feel tired of Delhi.

This is the city that raised me. The city where I learnt to ride a cycle on broken roads, where winters felt like a warm hug, and where every small lane had its own personality.

I used to get excited about the smell of roasted peanuts near India Gate, the chaos of Sarojini, and those random late night drives on Ring Road that felt like freedom.

But somewhere in the last few years, I started drifting away.

Not physically. My body was still here.

My memories were here. My people were here. But mentally, I had started packing my bags.

It began with the noise. At some point, Delhi forgot what silence feels like.

People honk even when the signal is green. Someone is always fighting with someone else. Cars blocking roads. Bikes coming at you from every possible direction. Everyone is in a hurry, but no one knows where they are going.

Then came the traffic. I used to joke that Delhi’s traffic was like a toxic relationship.

You hate it, complain about it, cry about it, yet show up every day.

But over time, the joke stopped being funny. I noticed that my patience was shrinking.

My mood was always on edge. The city that once matched my pace had now started running over me.

And then the dust arrived. Not just dust, but layers and layers of it. It settled on cars, homes, lungs, everything. I started waking up with a blocked nose more often.

My voice sounded tired. Breathing felt heavier. I blamed my lifestyle. I blamed the weather. I blamed myself. Blaming self is easy. Blaming a city you love is not.

But the real breaking point came when my sleep went completely off track.

I used to sleep like a baby. Long, deep, peaceful sleep. Suddenly, I was waking up feeling as if I didn’t sleep at all.

My partner told me I had started snoring a lot. Some nights I would wake up gasping for air. It scared me. I thought maybe it is stress, maybe too much screen time, maybe Delhi’s winter.

You can blame Delhi for everything and still not accept the truth.

One morning, after a night of barely any sleep, I finally went to a doctor. The doctor listened to everything quietly and asked a simple question. “How long have you been living with this level of pollution?” I smiled because the answer was obvious. All my life.

He told me that I was showing signs of mild sleep apnea. He explained how poor air quality and prolonged pollution exposure can trigger or worsen it. I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Delhi had taken away my sleep too.

I was not ready to buy any machine. I didn’t even understand what CPAP really was. So I took an easier route and rented a CPAP machine for a week from a local service called Respbuy.

To be honest, I rented it with zero expectations. I thought I would try it and return it. But that one week taught me something shocking. The first night itself felt different. I woke up with more energy. I did not snore. I did not wake up gasping. It felt like my lungs were finally getting a break they had been begging for.

It made me think. I had mentally left Delhi long ago because Delhi had stopped feeling like home. A home should let you breathe. A home should not make you feel suffocated. A home should not require you to use a machine just to sleep well at night.

But the truth is, I still love this city. I still crave the food, the culture, the madness.

What I hate is what we have allowed it to become. A place where the toxic air enters your life before even you realise it. A place where health becomes a daily negotiation. A place where survival starts feeling heavier than living.

I have not left Delhi physically. I may never leave.

This city is stitched into my story. But I am learning to protect myself from the very place I love. I am learning to breathe smarter, sleep better, and not let my city’s mistakes sit inside my chest.

Maybe Delhi will heal someday. Maybe we will stop burning waste, blaming each other, and pretending pollution is someone else’s problem. Till then, I am here, living in the city I love, and taking care of the lungs that still want to stay.

Delhi gave me everything. I just hope it does not take my breath away in return.